THE TRUE COST OF SPLITTING UP

I’ve always tried to be savvy with my money but after my breakup, those habits went out of the window. I’ll spare you the details of how my relationship ended, but it was the most hurt I’ve ever experienced. Broken-heart syndrome is real, and I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone.

Love can make you do crazy things. So, what was the first thing I did after my breakup? I got a new hair do - some sexy beachy waves made me feel like a whole new person. Next, I quit my job. I wanted a fresh start. A new hobby? Why wouldn’t I learn to pole dance? I highly recommend it if you want your confidence back. New wardrobe? Yes please! Within the first two months after the breakup, I had lost over 25 pounds from stress, so new clothes were needed. But it felt amazing to bin all the things that reminded me of him.

Breakups can cause people to spend way over their budgets, and the cost-of-living crisis is only making this more of an issue. Plus, it’s not just the post-break up shopping that makes break-ups expensive. Research from Experian found that on average it costs a whopping £1,068 to split from a significant other. This figure includes costs such as finding a new place to live and not being able to split the bills.

Depending on your breakup, you might also be dealing with some hefty costs for things like moving into your own place or paying for a therapist to help you deal with your feelings. And if you’re anything like me there’s the cost of the retail therapy, too.

Following her the end of her relationship, 40-year-old project manager Chloe splashed out on new clothes, as well as designer bags and “lots of shoes” as well as a new exercise bike and more frequent mani/pedis. “I was more likely to spend money on things that made me happy,” she tells Cosmopolitan UK. “I would have thought twice about that when I was in a relationship, but then my attitude changed and I thought ‘it’s my money, I’ll spend it however I want to spend it.’”

Danielle, a 30-year-old accountant decided to celebrate her split from her partner and mark it as a new beginning. “I wanted to have a banger divorce party, so I spent another £2,679 on a ‘Til Death Do Us Party’ Halloween party so I could thank the close friends and family who supported me.”

Of course it’s not all parties and beauty treatments. Danielle also had £4,465 worth of legal fees from her divorce, and the expenses didn’t stop there. She added an additional £107,173 to her mortgage to buy her ex-husband out of their house.

Housing was also an issue for Aly, a 26-year-old consultant who stayed in her exes flat following her breakup. This meant she had to fork out an extra £740 in rent which prevented her saving any money for that year. Then there was having to replace household items, which meant Aly had to significantly adjust her lifestyle. “The amount I could spend and save drastically altered,” she says.

But for more and more of us, leaving the place you lived with your ex or buying them out isn’t always an option. Research by Direct Line Insurance states that 9 million Brits are trapped with an ex-partner due to not being able to afford to move out.

Let’s also not forget the many workdays (that could be unpaid) you may need to take off to recoup and get a hold of yourself. That haircut, new wardrobe and vacation - it all adds up.

How to get over a breakup financially

“There are a multitude of reasons why we might spend money more impulsively after a breakup,” explains relationship therapist, Rachelle Watson, “I often see this tendency driven by a need to exercise power or control, especially if we’re on the receiving end of the breakup.”

Watson explains that when relationships end, our frustration over a lack of control can lead to us seek control in other parts of our life - through changing our appearances or going on last-minute holidays. But, she says, it’s important to pause before you do so.

“A good rule of thumb is to get in the habit of asking yourself, ‘what do I actually need right now?’ before tapping that card or making a big life change.” Instead, she recommends sitting with difficult emotions and allowing time to process them. “No amount of appearance changes, wardrobe expansions or impulsive trips around the world can replace honest emotional processing.”

"And if you do notice your outgoings spiralling," she says, "this can become problematic when we are spending more money than we budgeted or more than we have, all while simultaneously neglecting to meet our emotional needs in meaningful ways.”

Jessica Lyons, a financial advisor at Black Swan Capital advises, “no matter how the breakdown of a relationship occurs, there is a period of adjustment and change. A budget is one area where it is possible to take control. This can be an empowering experience."

There are numerous ways to create a budget. Some bank accounts offer facilities, or you can use a phone app, a spreadsheet, or just a simple pen and paper exercise. The most important thing is to record it somewhere that is accessible to you and to keep it under review. If you have never created a budget before then pen and paper is a good place to start, keep it simple. The more complex you make your budget, the less likely you are to stick to it.”

She adds, “emotional spending can be a hard area to control, but identifying it is the first step. If you recognise when you are spending money on something that you do not need or even really want, then you are on the pathway to stopping that.”

After my breakup, I sought out free therapy resources, like the NHS. On days I was unable to chat with someone, I picked up a notebook to get my feelings out and wrote down some reasons that I benefited from the relationship being over.

I also found that instead of buying new things, rearranging my furniture provided me with a sense of newness. I also got rid of social media for six months and it was a cheap palette cleanser that provided my mind with space to pursue passions that provided more joy. Not seeing ads or accounts that make you feel bad about yourself will stop you wanting to spend and will give your mind a break.

I was also able to reel myself back in on my spending habits by posting items online that I no longer needed and selling some gifts my ex had given me. Poshmark and Facebook Marketplace became my go to for shopping and selling.

But above all of this, of the best decisions I made after my breakup was spending lots of time with friends and family, rather than shutting myself away. The emotional support and constant love they provided me with was something money could never buy. You have to give to get with these things but never underestimate the value of community when you’re low. As Watson advises, “distractions and new appearances can help but they’re only a temporary fix.”

2023-07-13T18:10:49Z dg43tfdfdgfd